Truth #9

Something you have to forgive yourself for:

 I have to forgive myself for September 18, 2011.  A day I could not control.  A day that if it hadn't happened I would not have what I have today.  Why did the darkest day of my life have to bring one of the brightest?  I could not and still cannot talk about it with anyone in a meaningful way because I don't understand it myself.  I don't want to hear platitudes, I don't want to listen to someone else share their experience, I don't want false reassurances.  

Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do.  I can forgive others in a snap, but to forgive myself, I'm not sure if I will ever fully get there.  I will try.  I will keep trying. 

A final salute

Standing straight and tall
A soldier until the last
The trumpet sounded
The battle was won
He made it home
And life went on
Have no fear
For we are still here
Your legacy remains.

With a wink and a smile
We send you on with love
To be with those above.

For my grandpa, Louis Sadowski, WW2 Veteran, Royal Canadian Engineers.  Thank you for your service to Canada.  Lest we Forget.  

September

Oh September, what a crazy busy time you are!  Back to school, work ramps up, nights become cooler, sunny days are getting shorter.  The white stuff is just around the corner!

My bug has started Gr. 2, my baby is up, walking and talking and has settled nicely into her new daycare.  I'm honestly not sure how summer went by so quickly.

Homework, short weekends, shorter evenings, soon we will be hunkering down afraid to leave the house.  Boots, snow suits, driving nightmares...oh dear.  I'm getting antsy just thinking about it!

Tonight we are taking Jaden to his first concert.  Glass Tiger.  He may not recognize the music but typically he enjoys any kind of music with a good beat so hopefully he will enjoy himself!

Summer living

It's July and things are certainly different, but not depressingly so.  The transition back to work went much better than expected.  It was almost as if I had never left.  Only my desk chair seems to be missing.  I eased myself back in with a 2 day work week, followed by a full week and then almost a full week of vacation.  I will really jump in when I am back at work next week. 

The Bug and Dolly are doing extremely well at the caregivers.  It was a good decision to keep them together for the summer, Dolly isn't missing me which is the way I want it.  She sure is happy when I pick her and her brother up at the end of the day.  They are busy, playing outside and enjoying the company of the other kids. 

The past few days we have been enjoying some summer activities, we spent a day at the cottage, the weather wasn't awesome but we managed to have some fun in the boat, fishing, and a quick swim.  Daddy took the Bug to a star party last night.  They got to look at Saturn and stay up way past bed time. We had a pj day, cartoon marathon, really enjoyed the down time.

Time is passing quickly but we sure are enjoying ourselves!

Sappy stuff

I am feeling a bit sappy today.  I'm probably over tired because Baby Doll was little miss social last night.  She went to bed at her usual time but was up around 11:30 because she wanted to be with us apparently.  I had daddy go make her a bottle to hopefully encourage her to go back to sleep.  While he was downstairs she reached her arms to be picked up, so of course I obliged and was delighted to have her nuzzle her face into my neck, she wanted to cuddle.  Her head was turned towards me and she just looked up at me, closed her eyes for a bit and opened them again and smiled.  I sang her the first song that popped into my head, Barges, and she just looked at me, head still on my shoulder.  When that was done I switched to her favourite Nanny song, it's not really a song, just "doo dee doo" sounds, and out came some giggles.  It was such a beautiful moment.  I want to remember it forever.

Um what?

I only have two more months of leave before going back to work full time.  Um what?  WTF did the time go?  She was just born wasn't she?

I certainly will have mixed feelings.  I love my job.  I work at such a wonderful place with wonderful people doing something that really matters to me.  Helping children, helping parents.  I will miss my time at home with my two beautiful kids.  Nothing lasts forever and once the adjustment period is over I know I will be okay.  The anticipation is always the worst part.


It will push me
It will change me
It will not break me

Roasted chicken with vegetables

I'm not a very enthusiastic cook.  I really don't enjoy cooking at all.  There are however a few meals that I can throw together without much strain on my brain.  They are mostly dishes involving one pot and 10 ingredients or less.

You will need:

1 whole chicken
2 large white or yellow potatoes and/or sweet potatoes, cubed
2 carrots, peeled and cut into large pieces
1 onion, chopped
whole garlic cloves (a handful)
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
1/4 cup water
2 tsp worcestershire sauce
1 bay leaf
fresh ground pepper

In a large roaster, place chicken in center, surround with chopped veggies, garlic at the top.  
Drizzle vinegar, sauce over all ingredients.  Add water slowly at the side of the dish, do not wash the sauces off the meat or veggies (as much as possible).  Grind pepper over everything.  Place bay leaf inside.
Cover and bake at 375 F for 1 hr 15 mins, or until juices from the leg are running clear.

N.B. I like to cook my chickens upside down.  That way it self bastes.

This is one of my families favourites.

Bon appétit!

Why I choose vaccination

I am not here to publicly flog those who choose not to vaccinate their children or themselves.

I am here to say why it is I choose vaccination.

Vaccination prevents diseases that pose a much greater health risk than any risks associated with the vaccine.  Tetanus, polio, diptheria, measles, mumps, rubella, varicella, pertussis.  I experienced two of these, one as a child (pertussis) and one as a teenager (varicella) and the memories are traumatic enough that I never want my own kids to experience them. 

No matter what anyone says I will never believe that vaccines cause Autism. 

There are very fragile adults, babies and children who legitimately cannot be vaccinated due to their health conditions ie. cardiac, cancer that rely on others to vaccinate to protect these fragile darlings.  Also, healthy babies under 18 months cannot be given the measles, mumps, rubella vaccine and so are susceptible.  Immunity via exposure does nothing to protect them because a non vaccinated person can easily be a carrier of the disease and infect others without ever becoming sick themselves.

Travel to other countries puts you at risk of diseases that may not be prevalent here in Canada.  I traveled to Dominican Republic and sought advice about what I may need to protect myself against.  Hepatitis A and B are common there especially in contaminated water (ice cubes!).  There is no vaccine for Hepatitis C but was cautioned about what to avoid to better protect myself. 

These are the biggest reasons why I am wholeheartedly in favour of vaccination.  If there is something I can do to protect my children, family and those who are vulnerable to diseases that are easily prevented, I will do it.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all of you.

It has been a whirlwind of a year, lots of ups and some downs too.  I find myself with mixed feelings this holiday season.  Excited to celebrate Baby Doll's first Christmas with us.  Excited to see Bug flip out on Christmas morning when he sees the gifts under the tree.  Excited to spend time with all of my family and see friends over the coming weeks while school is out.

Also a bit sad.  Thinking about those who are not with us anymore.  Thinking about how things have changed since they left us.  Thinking about what might have been if things had worked out differently. It's not about regret.  To regret certain things would mean I don't appreciate or love what and who I have now.  It is just about remembering, and giving myself permission to acknowledge the grief. 

I am also thankful for everything I have.  I feel so rich in so many ways even if my pocket book tells a different tale :) 

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, may this season bring you joy, love, peace and time to spend with your loved ones. 

Chatter

As I sit here I am listening to my sweet baby doll chatter in her crib.  Is there a sound any more heartwarming or beautiful?  At 5 months old she already has so much to say!

I am also struck by my 6 year old enjoying some imaginary play downstairs.  He talks while he plays so I do get the gist of what is happening, sword fights, stealing treasures and crawling down hidden passageways.

I'm taking a moment to just enjoy before I jump in!

Three years?

Today is my blogs third anniversary!  Happy anniversary to you dear blog!

Not sure whether I will keep blogging, my readership is depressingly low.  Perhaps it's not quantity but quality?  I'm not 100% sure.  I also have not had that much to say recently.  Time has become such a different thing since my family grew by one.  I'm twice as busy yet twice as fulfilled by my family that writing has had to move to the back burner.  I am less "out there" and more "in here" as we discover our new rhythm since our baby doll has arrived.  I am enjoying my mat leave, enjoying the new babe, and enjoying the time with my bug before and after school, something I have never been able to do with him.  Mornings, bus pick up, drop off, homework before snack time.  I will be sad when the year is up.  Sad that I won't get to do it again.  Don't get me wrong, I won't give up my job because I love that too, it's just too bad we can't have everything.  Next July will be a big change, but we've still got time :)

Happy Halloween 2013

Happy Halloween!  Hope the rain rain goes away...

May all the little ghouls and goblins have a wonderful time trick or treating, please be extra safe!

Fall madness

Can you believe it?  My sweet baby doll is approaching 4 months old!  I swear we just blinked and she went from her petite 6 lbs 11 oz to around 14 lbs!!  She is sleeping through the night (yay!  I am one lucky mommy, both my babies were sleeping through the night at a relatively young age, so good for the sanity!) and is one of the happiest babies I have ever met!  She shows a definite preference for Bugs Bunny, he makes her laugh! 

My bug is settled into the new school routine, he is noticing a big difference between SK and Gr. 1 but seems to be doing quite well.  He will have some new challenges, like learning to skate, having more time constraints in which to complete work, but as always I'm so extremely proud of his ability to adapt and take it as it comes, even though it does make him a bit anxious.  He is a sweet big brother and takes good care of his sister.  (If only he would sleep through the night!  He's been doing the "Mommy I'm scared" routine.  Hope it doesn't last long...at least it's not every single night.)

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend filled with family time, a baby shower for my sister-in-law who is expecting un petit garçon en décembre, turkey-lurkey and scrumptious desserts.  I am so very thankful for the wonderful people I have in my life.  Whether they be near or far away each and every one of you are extremely important to me.   

Halloween is around the corner, this year my guy will be transformed into an astronaut and dolly will be disguised as a ladybug (so cute!). 

Winter is around the corner...brrrrr...could feel the frost in the air this morning!  Won't be long before Santa comes...

His and Hers

I occasionally write poetry.  Some of you know this, others don't.  I have always been a writer, when I was in elementary school I entered a writing competition in which I won a prize.  I think I won first prize and then my essay moved on to the next level where I won again.  I don't remember all of the details but there was a small sum of money involved and I was very excited about it.   I love to read, I love to write and the odd time the urge strikes me to write poetry.

I had a high school teacher who said something that always stayed with me.  Poetry writing is not about inspiration, it's about discipline.  Well I'm here to say that in my case, he's wrong.  Each and every poem that I have written is because I was somehow inspired.

I have written poems for each of my children that I would like to share.  My titles are lacking, but appropriate to whom they are written for.

(English teacher friends, be kind...)

His

In that first moment
When I looked upon your face
I finally understood
A love that is eternal
And will always be
My saving grace


 Hers

Her eyes opened wide
And fed the love held inside
That fulfills my soul

For my son and daughter.  Love you both forever.

A tribute

It is a sorrow filled day when all that remains
are memories
The bright light of her eyes will fade
never to be seen again
Her laughter will echo in our heads
never to be heard again
We must remember to smile and speak fondly of her
to remain alive despite her death

Dedication:  For a wonderful woman whom I will dearly miss. She loved my children like they were her own, for that I will always be thankful.

 

We are all beautiful

Earlier this week a hateful letter went viral on social media.  It was written by "Pissed off mom" basically telling a grandmother that her grandson with Autism should either be hidden away from society or euthanized.  This letter was written by a coward who would not even own their opinions by signing their name. 

Excuse my language, but this is bullshit.  Plain and simple.  Even babies can understand "object permanence", just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. 

I try to imagine how she must have felt after she read this letter.  Unfathomable but I will try:  heartbroken, irate, deeply saddened, disappointed.   Police determined that it was not a hate crime which I don't understand at all (possibly because there was no direct threat), but it certainly was hateful.  To know someone in your neighborhood possibly right next door is thinking these thoughts and propagating ignorance is horrifying.  I would certainly be terrified that someone might try to harm him and he would have no way to defend himself.

I have had the pleasure of meeting many children and some adults with Autism all with different abilities.  I spoke with one boy who knew the complete schedule of events at CHEO and attended as many as he could since he was in the hospital for quite a while.  Children with Autism are not typically social, but once an interest is piqued, watch out!  They will talk your ear off for hours.

I also had the pleasure of meeting a teen who communicated exclusively through his iPad.  Talking out loud was so uncomfortable for him but with today's technology he has been able to have a voice and interact with others as long as they are willing to take the time to listen.

Everyone is different.  Some get "labels" for different reasons, some don't.  Kids with special needs are not getting special treatment.  They are getting the treatment that they need.  Speech therapy for a child with Autism is as necessary as a wheelchair for his peer with paralyzed legs. 

Down at the bottom of it all, we are all the same.  Black, white, red, blue, green and all colours of the rainbow.  No one is better, no one is worse, we are just different.  We need to start seeing the beauty in others, really taking the time to know someone without prejudice or judgement.  I would also challenge people to ask questions in a respectful way if you are curious about someone with a known disability.  Many are quite willing to talk openly and will answer questions given the right situation and their comfort level.  

Not all disabilities are visible, ANYONE you know could have one. 



 

Baby Doll

On July 2nd, 2013 we welcomed the prettiest little girl into our family.  She was born at 1:19 pm weighing 6 lbs 11 oz.  It was not an easy pregnancy, nor did the scheduled c-section go as planned (I won't go into the awful details here, it may deter women from having children.), but in the end it was worth it to have our precious daughter here with us.  She is a beautiful baby with a mild disposition and boy does she ever love to sleep!  (I am not complaining, just wondering, "is this normal??" :)) 

I am so lucky because I get to fall in love all over again.  It's crazy how it's different, but yet the same as when my gorgeous son was born just over 6 years ago.  You have this little person there in front of you that you barely know but love so totally and completely that you can't wrap your head around it. 

Now, almost 4 weeks later I've gotten to know my Baby Doll.  She has settled into a fairly good routine, in 3-4 hour cycles.  We've had a surprise "sleep through the night by accident", it was an anomaly, but one of the best night's sleep I've had since before I got pregnant!  Also, to my delight, my son has become an adoring big brother.  He is eager to help, loves to check on the baby or get her something she needs.  He unfortunately won't change diapers, but I think I can live with that.  I have loved seeing this compassionate, caring side of his personality.  I thought he might be a bit jealous of the baby, but he hasn't been at all.  He has been looking for lots of attention of his own, but I figure that's to be expected.  He's not going about it in an obnoxious way, he just wants us to play with him and he is used to us having all of our time for him.  Overall, I could not have asked for a better transition from 3 in the family to 4.

Welcome Baby Doll, we love you so so much.

Birdlike tendencies

Wow, this is new, something I never experienced in my first pregnancy, NESTING!  I find I have this incredible urge to organize!  Especially related to baby items, old and new!  We made a large purchase earlier this week, dressers for all 3 bedrooms!  It hurt a bit in the pocketbook, but has really done wonders in terms of getting everything to make sense!  We went to Ikea knowing exactly what we wanted, a large 6 drawer dresser for our room, and two smaller 3 drawer dressers for each of the kidlets rooms.  (By the way, their new store in O-Town, is crazily gigantic.  I almost didn't last the whole way through!  Hubby offered to let me ride on the furniture trolley and push me to the end...)  They are all the same colour, black/brown and should serve us well over the next several years.  The best part is that they are made of actual wood!  Not stupid press board or whatever it's called!  I've also been through a lot of big brother's clothes to clear out stuff that is clearly "boy" and pack away what we can potentially reuse.  Next person I know having their first boy is going to get a very large donation!  I just don't have enough room in my house to keep it all.  Buying a bigger house is certainly NOT going to happen.  :)  We are down to a matter of days before D-Day (Daughter Day!) and I'm not panicking but certainly wanting to get things done soon! 

Shut the front door

It has seriously been over two months since my last post?  Sheesh.  Neglectful of me!  We are now in the countdown phase to baby girl's arrival...July 2/13 will be the big day!  I have officially stopped working, yay!  Now feeling more tired than ever, especially in the evenings where I am sure my whole body has mysteriously transformed into lead!  It's hard to be slow and not want to be!  Took my bug to the park yesterday after school and just about died on the walk home which seriously, takes only 5 minutes...sigh.  Not to mention all my appts at the hospital with the worst parking on the planet. Omg, am I complaining again?  I really try not to do that....but it's inevitable.

So BABY DAY is scheduled for July 2nd, it really can't come fast enough.  I know I will have recovery time to cope with but I'm so anxious to meet our little girl.  So are Daddy and Big Brother.  Seems like it's taking forever!  

Dear blog

Dear Blog,

I am so sorry to have neglected you.  You see, things have been busy!  It's not that I don't love you, it's not that I don't care, It's just so hard to squeeze out the time to devote to writing to you! 

Let's see, where to begin...

Almost 26 weeks have gone by, more than half way to baby girl's birthday.  Should be sometime around the beginning of July (July 7th is the est. date).  We are very excited and J is looking forward to having a sister.  The first three months were riddled with fatigue, sickness, complete loss of appetite to the point I had to consume protein shakes to make sure I was getting some kind of nutrition.  The next three months were better in terms of fatigue and sickness but aching set in, at least I had more energy!  It was also exciting to tell all our family and friends and find out we are expecting a baby girl.  One of each, just about perfect (although, we would have been thrilled either way...it's a win-win situation!).  Heading into the last three months, starting to slow down again, swelling is starting in the feet, back aches more often than not, and right wrist is bothering me to no end.  This will end my complaint section of the program because it doesn't do any good anyway.  I am certainly looking forward to my next prenatal massage coming up in just a couple of days!  It's wonderful how they have developed a pillow system to allow for lying on your stomach!  Whoever invented that should be a rich rich person and never have to work again.  Oh yes, work.  When to stop working?  Sometime in June probably.  A replacement has already been hired which is wonderful news that we can overlap a little to allow for some training time, will be so much easier on my colleagues that way.  I will miss them over the course of the year, but I will be back soon enough!

Bugs 6th birthday is coming up at the end of May, need to figure out a celebration for him, I can't believe he will be starting Gr. 1 in September!  Crazy how time flies.    He's growing up and there's nothing I can do to stop it!  He is so tall, so smart, and such a sweet boy.  

August will bring a super fun event, my big sister's wedding!!  We will all head to St. Catharine's to attend her wedding at Niagara on the Lake, not sure how the traveling will go with a 1 month old and a 6 yr old, but we wouldn't miss it for the world. 

So, dear Blog, I'm sorry for not writing sooner, but as you can see life has been a little on the crazy side, but hope you are keeping well!  Until next time...