Reverie

As children we dream the biggest dreams possible.  To be a princess in a castle and find her prince charming, a superhero who defeats villains and saves the world.  As youths we dream of being adults, leaving home, being rich and famous.  As young adults we dream of our future spouse, career, home, children.  As parents we no longer dream solely for ourselves, our pattern changes and we begin to dream for our children.  In my case, I only have one child.  I dreamed a different dream long ago, experienced some heart-wrenching moments, but I'm beginning to realize that it doesn't matter in the same way that it used to.  He has fulfilled every wish I ever had about my future family.  Now I dream for him, that he will find happiness, that he will find love, that he will succeed at whatever it is he chooses to do in life.  I know I will have influence over him, but more than anything I want his life to be a result of his choices.  I want to help him make the best choices possible.  He will occasionally fail but as long as we can avoid disaster and help him learn from his mistakes, he will be stronger for it.  More than anything, I want to help him to continue to dream.  To believe in possibilities, to have the confidence to try even if he risks failing because in each experience there is something to be learned. I want for him more than I ever wanted for myself.  I am grateful for what I have, for who I have, and for the life I have.  I hope I can help get him to the place that makes him feel the same.


I started to write the above many months ago.  I never felt like it was something I could share publicly.  I was pretty convinced that  no matter how much I wanted it, my family would never be more than the 3 of us.  This was my way of making peace with that.  I had been conflicted for so long, I finally was able to get past it and realize how lucky I really was.  Not everyone gets to have what I have in my life.  Life is funny in the way that it works.  The minute you make peace with your demons, it throws you a curve (in my case in a good way) and you say to yourself "Wait a minute, where the hell did that come from?  How did that happen?"  And then the cup overflows.