A new year

May 2011 be a year where we rediscover who we are and what our priorities are.  My priority is first and foremost my family.  To ensure we have a roof over our heads, food on the table, and spend good quality time together.  This is what matters most in the world to me.  I don't need to own a huge home, fancy car, or a house in the Hampton's, it's more important that we are happy.  We are both lucky to have jobs that bring us satisfaction, pay the bills, and allow us to have the pleasures that we enjoy.  We are not consumed by our work and our time off is spent together and this allows us plenty of time to spend with our son, watching him grow and learn.  We value him more than any of our possessions.  It is nice to have things, but at the end of the day, it's family that matters the most.  My baby is everything.  Without him, there is nothing, and I am nothing.  I can't wait to watch him grow, turn 4, start school in the fall, I'm not wishing his life away, only anticipating the big changes the next year will bring for him.  For me personally, I would like to get my license back, take another course, plan a trip for the summer, and play the rest by ear, see where the road takes me (if anywhere since I'm not exactly sure when I'll be able to drive again!).    Wishing you all the best for 2011.  Happy New Year! 

Truth #5

Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

This one comes to mind immediately.  A very good friend from H.S. who was in the drama club with me.  It was actually because of her that I auditioned.  The way she talked about it, it sounded like so much fun.  We were good friends for 4 years.  After we graduated, we went to different schools, kept in touch for a while, but have had no contact in probably at least 12-13 years.  I have lots of pictures and lots of good memories.  Have no clue where her life has taken her, or what she is up to now.  In an earlier post I talked about the friendships that were/are important to me.  This person became my friend at a time in my life where I think I was the most lost I have ever been.  Some of my friends had just dumped me (looking back now it all seems so silly), but I was really devastated.  I felt accepted, at least a little bit, I don't know if I was ever all the way inside that friendship circle, but at least she helped me find my way out of the hurt.  I said before that D.C. was one of the most precious experiences for me, I learned so much, met so many good people that I would never have gotten to know otherwise, and it really did feel like family. 

I do regret that we drifted apart.  I valued the time we spent together, the conversations that we had, and I'm grateful for the difference that she made.  If we ever meet again, I fully intend to tell her. 

My Christmas Wish

My Christmas wish for everyone is that they get to spend this wonderful holiday with people that they love and have the joy of watching little ones light up when they see what Santa has left under their tree.  I truly believe that Christmas is for children.  I don't care if there are any gifts for me anymore, the joy on my little guy's face is all I need to see to make it all worthwhile.  His anticipation this year is through the roof!  He's even a bit worried because we don't have a chimney or fireplace, but I've explained that Santa is magical, he can find his way into any house, because not all houses have a chimney.  He is excited that we're almost at the end of his advent calendar, he has religiously sat down to open the next little door each and every morning,  It's one of the first things he asks me when he wakes up in the morning, "Mommy, can I do my calendar?"  It's the best.  He really gets it this year.  Last night he watched Frosty the Snowman, I remember watching that as a kid and I'm glad they are still showing it!  It's an oldie but a goodie.  This year, he even went willingly to sit with Santa and tell him what he wants for Christmas.  He was nervous, but the fear of Santa not coming outweighed his actual fear of Santa!  So he sat down beside him and told him what he wanted and we got some good pictures.  They really captured the moment.  I don't even care that he wasn't smiling, it was what it was. 

It is also the time of year to remember those who are less fortunate.  Please make a donation to your favourite charity, or donate some time to a worthwhile cause. 

Truth #4

Something you love about yourself.

I love my sense of humour. I love to laugh, I love it when people make me laugh. I don't miss much in the way of jokes, sarcasm, wit and am quickly able to zing one right back. I really am latching onto this part of my personality since I'm having such a rocky time. If I can just see the humour in the situation, I'll be able to get through the next few months.

I also love how I married someone with a very similar sort of sense of humour.  My husband always gets my jokes, and I always get his jokes.  We laugh a lot together, that's really important to be able to sustain a relationship through the years.  It's certain that there will be hard times.   As long as we can laugh together and keep our outlooks positive, we can overcome any nasty situation life throws at us.  The curve balls are what make the game interesting, you don't expect them, but if you can dig deep and make contact, you're sure to hit one out of the park.  (There, that's my sports analogy, I love baseball :) )

Well, I got lemons

Totally sucks lemons.  Can't drive for 6 months or until I'm medically cleared to drive again.  I can't really remember what happened, but apparently I had a seizure yesterday morning.  Scared the crap out of my husband.  I remember coming to and thinking, "who the F is in my bedroom?".  It was a paramedic.  (he scored 8/10 on the hotness meter)  Damn!  I failed most of the questions he asked me except my name and where I was, other than that I didn't know the day, the date, the month, what we ate for dinner the night before, the fact that we had decorated our Christmas Tree, I couldn't remember putting my son to bed, you know, stuff I should have been able to remember.  Very frightening. I'm so grateful it happened at home and my hubby knew exactly what to do.  I bit my tongue very hard, it's very swollen and hurts :(  My right side has also been affected.  It feels weak and sore, not sure if from the seizure or from attempts to roll me over since I was on my stomach. 

I have a great support system.  A wonderful family, amazing friends, an awesome caregiver for my son, more than anyone could ask for.  The next 6 months are going to be rough, but things can always be worse so I'm trying very hard to keep a positive outlook.  At least I live in a city and have other options.  I also have a hubby who loves to drive, I now refer to him as my personal chauffeur.   Driving Miss Amanda!

Truth #3

Something you hate about yourself.

I hate that I have very little self confidence.  Sure, it looks great on the outside, but what many people don't know is that I'm a pretty good actress.  I can compartmentalize my life and feelings so that certain people only see certain things.  The truth is, I have a very hard time valuing myself.  I'm not particularly attractive, smart enough but not brilliant, I suspect strongly I have social anxiety, I am very shy and often feel overshadowed by others who are beautiful, bouncy, and brilliant (even though I am well aware that this is not their intention).  No matter how many objections I hear, I really struggle with the inner dialogue that goes on inside my head.  Sort of goes like "Remember the time you said this, that was really stupid."  "Remember all those times in school when you were the butt of the joke, that was true."

Please don't feel sorry for me.  I am really not fishing for compliments.  This is just the truth.  I am embarrassed enough however that I am not publishing it to FB.     

Truth # 2

Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.  (I'm starting with two for now, but if anyone wants me to make them a playlist, I'm happy to oblige!)

For Tristan:

Wonderwall - Oasis:  First dance, Valentine's Day formal

I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You - Savage Garden:  Wedding Dance

Firework - Katy Perry:  Because we both love her music!  We have a hard time agreeing on music :)

For Shannon:

I'm a Bitch - Alanis Morissette:  We have a running joke, originally came from a movie we saw together, but this song fits too.  Dumb bitch ;P

Beauty and the Beast Celine Dion/Peabo Bryson:  Anything by Celine Dion really, they are her favourite.  I happen to love this one too.

What is Love - Haddaway:  Do the disco head.

Funnyman

Tristan:  "Where is the bread, or, ou est le pain?  Or is it la pain?"

Amanda:  "Le pain.  Pain is masculin"

Tristan:  "Oh, right, la pain would be the bunny"


ROTFL

Truth #1

I am borrowing a little bit from my friend Karen.  She has committed to 30 Days of Truth, now I don't think I can commit to blogging every day for a month, but I would like to borrow from her list the ones that pique my interest the most.  I find it's a good resource for me to stimulate some blog posts, ideas and whatnot.  So here goes:

Truth #1 :  Something you hope you never have to do. 

This one was hard for me to decide.  There are two that come to the forefront of my mind almost immediately.  One a little more strongly than the other but both equally terrible situations.  I'll mention them both but only give full details about the one. 

a)  Bury my son.

b) Pull the plug on my mom or dad (or both).

Just the mere thought of having to say goodbye forever to my son is enough to make me choke up and well up with tears.   I've said this before and I'll say it again that it is something that I would never ever recover from.  I'm certain that no parent who has ever had to do it, has recovered.  It is the singularly most devastating thing that could happen to me.  I know, I just know that I would want to die too.  How do you put a billion pieces of broken heart back together?  How do you live without the person you knew that you always wanted and fell in love with the instant you knew was there with you?  The person you would die for, kill for, beg, borrow, steal for.  That is the truth.

Thirty-two and counting

Well, another year older.  I may not be that much wiser, but I am sure that I have learned a few things.  The time goes by so fast.  The past year has represented quite a large change in my life.  I felt like I closed one chapter of my life and opened another.  I started a new job within the organization I have worked with for the past 4 years which is in large part responsible for the transformation.  I have had more opportunities to learn and grow both personally and professionally.  I have learned some hard lessons and some very gratifying ones.  I am helping children get the services they need to be as successful as they can be no matter what their challenges are.  That in and of itself has made the past year worthwhile.  I believe that I was put on this Earth to improve the lives of children.  I sort of fell into it by accident, but now that I'm here, it feels like the right place for me.  Here is a summary of the lessons I have taken away from the past year. 

1.  Having a plan is great but things don't always go according to plan, so be flexible

2.  If life hands you lemons, make lemonade

3.  It is important to keep (as much as humanly possible) your work life separate from your home life

4.  Be thankful every day for the gifts you have been given

5.  Focus on strengths to minimize weakness

6.  When you go back to school as an adult you realize why school is designed for young people

7.  My happiness is tied directly to that of my son

8.  I have learned so much about Autism and Developmental Disabilities.  I don't even know where to begin to explain how much I have learned.

A colossal waste

Stop the hate. Embrace differences. Accept one another. It's not too much to ask. 

This was the status on FB that prompted my first blog request.  (That has never happened to me before, but I'm more than happy to oblige)

In essence I have just been bogged down by the media reports with hate at the centre.  The anti-gay, anti-religion, anti-everything you can think of that is  different from your beliefs.  I just think that the world would be a much better place if people just learned to accept what is different about others and move on.  Hate is the biggest time waster and serves no purpose except to breed more of exactly what we don't need on this planet.   It's a pretty sad state of affairs when young people are committing suicide to escape the bullying, or, I prefer the terms harassment or abuse, of their peers.  How do their parents go on?  I don't know.  I certainly don't know what I would do if I were in their shoes.  I can only imagine that I would want to die too.  Gay vs. dead.  Hm.  I'd take gay any day of the week and twice on Sunday.  I am not saying I'm perfect, but, I certainly know enough to keep my opinions to myself when I don't agree.  I try not to give unsolicited advice.  Other people's choices are none of my business.  We have the freedom to choose who we love, who we pray to, and how we want to live our lives.  If we break laws, there are consequences.  That's the great thing about the country we live in.  Who are we to judge the choices of others?  Before doing that, I think we need to take a good close look in the mirror.  The only person I can change, is myself.    

A day for remembering

My grandfather is a WW2 veteran.  I want to thank him for all he did for his country.  We are so fortunate to live in a country where we have freedom, choices, the right to vote, and many other things that people in other war-torn countries can only dream of.  Today I am thinking of all the soldiers stationed overseas, risking their lives, to hopefully make a difference.  I am thinking of those who have given their lives for what they believe in.  I can't say I agree with the decisions our government has made, but I support men and women in our forces and recognize the risks that they take every day.  I hope and pray for their safe return. 

An hour gained

I love this weekend.  A whole hour gained is the best part of autumn.  My day feels like I have so much more time!  Had a great day on Saturday, watched movies with a great friend, ate yummy foods, watched my buggy get dunked by his swim teacher (I agreed), slept decently for the first time in at least a week, and generally feel refreshed.

I started writing this on Sunday, it is now Wednesday and the week isn't looking so good anymore.  My colleague will be away from work for a while and I'm now in the daunting situation of keeping us afloat on my own until she returns.  I hope I'll be ok, but at least I have some support where I work, and a pretty good manager who listens and is able to make a decision.

While I haven't been pondering serious topics lately the issue of ethics was raised by a friend and I just wanted to share my perspective and I hope no one takes offense, that is not in any way my intention. 

I think as women/mothers we take entirely too much onto ourselves.  Between guilty feelings, "Am I doing the right thing or not?"  and trying to do everything perfectly for our kids, making the right choices, and what-have-you, I think all we really effectively do is send our blood pressure through the roof.  I am trying to look at it this way:  I want my son to remember me as a fun, stable, firm parent.  I want him to know what to expect from me.  He won't like everything (I would worry if he did) but at least he will have consistency.  If I am anxiety ridden all the time, he will pick up on that and mimic that state of mind.  I want to show him that life is full of twists and turns that we actually have very little control over.  Yes we can choose what to eat, and what to use, but if the universe throws a wrench in the system, we have to re-group, re-adjust, and find another option.  Life is complicated enough, I am really trying not to aggravate the situation by over-thinking and over-analyzing the choices that I do make.  I want to enjoy my baby, enjoy our family, play hard and often, and get to sleep at a decent time.

Love cycle

It's giving and taking
pushing and pulling
holding and molding
hugging and kissing
praising and braising
helping and nudging
finding the right words to say
struggling not to say them
sometimes eating them
standing your ground
swallowing your pride
facing your fears
shielding their pain.
The hardest part of loving, is letting go.

An ending - hopefully happy!

I can breathe a huge sigh of relief.  Yesterday morning I wrote my final exam for the course I was taking at La Cité Collégiale, Révision de la grammaire française.  I am elated that it is over.  I did really well, so far anyway.  We'll see how it plays out with my final exam.  60% is a pass, and I'm pretty confident I did better than that.  I am obsessively checking the Blackboard (web based application) to see if my mark is posted yet, although realistically, I figure it won't be up until next week.  The exam was pencil and paper, so it has to go via snail mail to my instructor to be marked by hand and then posted on the Blackboard.  I was mildly miffed that the course guide indicated clearly that the final exam covers weeks 9-15 and I clearly found questions related to earlier sections.  I was just upset because I didn't really focus my studying on the sections that had already tested by the mid-term.  Even still, I'm sure I did fine, but I HAVE to get an "A".  Isn't that silly of me?  After being out of school all this time and I still have the same perfectionistic tendencies.  I guess some things just never change.  I'll be very disappointed if I don't, that's for sure.  Also, I would probably be embarrassed since the course was paid for by my employer, sort of like my adult-world "parents".  They paid for the course and I wouldn't want to show them a grade any less than an "A".  Again, perfectionistic, I know, I really can't help it.  Comes from years of being expected to produce a fantastic report card.  It's really not a bad expectation to have.  I'm just surprised that the pull is still there to please someone else other than myself.  Anyway, that wasn't really the point...off topic.  The focus of this is only to say that I'm glad this course is over so I can go back to concentrating on other areas of my life.  Spend more time playing instead of studying my butt off.  I haven't neglected my family (I never would), but I've seen less of my friends than I did before, attended far fewer BK meetings, and haven't had a breakfast date in AGES!  (hinthint)  And my house has suffered for it, but I'm sure it won't harbor any grudges. 

Autumn

Summer has ended and we are heading into autumn which is my favourite time of year.  I love the colours on the trees, the red, yellow, orange mixed in with the green.  It's breathtaking.   I find myself really looking forward to Thanksgiving and then Hallowe'en.  It will be nice to have dinner with my whole family, I always look forward to turkey day, mmmMmmm!  Pierogis would be an added bonus, but even without, I really like having family dinners.  It's rare for us to all be together under one roof, happens maybe two or three times a year.  I certainly have much to be thankful for.  A gorgeous, healthy, happy son; an amazing husband; and an extensive support system including parents, siblings, and friends.  I am very blessed. 

We already have my 3 yr old's Hallowe'en costume planned (thanks to Nanny), he's really looking forward to Trick o' Treating.  He asked if we could make candy apples, and I'm not exactly sure how it's done, but I'm sure I can come up with something.  I just hope I don't burn myself, I'm kind of accident prone that way.  I know I'll need popsicle sticks and loads of sugar.  We might not sleep for a few nights afterward, but it will have been worth it!  For my family, Hallowe'en is as big a holiday as Christmas.  My mom goes all out with decorations and has a selection of offerings for Trick o' Treaters, candy, chips, play-doh for the little ones, everyone is covered.  My favourite part will be when my son rings their doorbell and grampa will pretend he doesn't recognize him.  He did that when we were kids, and I'm sure the tradition will continue.  

First love

The first statement I need to make here is a disclaimer.  This post in no way means any offense to my DH.  I love him with my whole heart.

Do you remember your first love?  I do.  Now I'm not talking the guys you thought were cute, I'm talking about the guy you fell face first in love with.  The one who tied you up in giant knots of angst and made your knees shake if he even so much as looked in your direction, never mind actually speak to you! 

Okay, to set the scene a little:  Thirteen years old, grade eight, first day of school, I arrived in my homeroom already ecstatic because a couple of really nice girls were in my class.  We sat together and probably chatted, that memory is a little fuzzy, but then he walked in.  Big blue eyes, baseball hat, and a smile that could light up the night sky.   

Holy shit I knew I was in trouble.  I think I heard my heart go "splat" as it slammed into my chest.  Very outgoing girls would have just walked up to him and said "hi", but I was also very painfully shy and self conscious.  I, of course, told all my girlfriends how much I liked him, but would have never had the courage to tell him.  So what happened?  What happened with almost every guy I met in school; we became friends.  In fact, he dated several of my friends and I really couldn't blame them, I would have given anything to have been in their shoes though.  The heartbreak however, was exceedingly painful.  My tender teenage heart was bruised each time.  I'm not proud of this, but I actually called him to let him know that my friend didn't want to date him anymore, or, more accurately, to dump him for her.  I really didn't want to do it, but I succumbed to the pressure she put on me.  And then, after that, she wasn't my friend anymore.  I remember just feeling so used, but I don't think he held it against me because we were still friends, and that was important to me.  I was happy that we were friends; we talked on the phone, shared a few interests, attended all the same parties, I think we even danced together once or twice, and he truly was a very nice guy.  I had feelings for this boy for the better part of 4 years.

I won't say that I'm glad he never asked me out, because that just wouldn't be true.  I am glad however that I don't have any bitter memories of him.  Maybe if we had dated and broken up that wouldn't be the case.

Interestingly enough, years later when we met again, it dawned on me how similar he is in personality to my husband.  They are, of course, different people, but there are a few giant parallels that are very hard to miss.  I guess I was on the right track, just a case of wrong guy, wrong time.  I sure am glad I found the right guy though.  Makes all the years of teenage crushes and emotional roller coaster rides worth it.

Reminiscing

I'm feeling a little nostalgic this evening.  I found myself today thinking a lot about the St. Patrick's High School Drama Club 1994-1997.  What a unique experience that was.  I didn't have a lot of extra curricular activities in high school, but this was really a big one.  We rehearsed 4 days a week after school.  You had to audition if you wanted a part in the play, I figured that if I didn't get a part, I would just work backstage.  You could use the hours as volunteer work that was required in OAC.  The first play I auditioned for was Anne of Green Gables, I was so nervous, sweaty, shaky hands, it felt like I had a huge lump in my throat.  I was reading the part of Diana Barry, Anne's best friend.  I practiced and practiced at home the few days before.  I actually auditioned with the girl who ended up winning the part of Diana.  Before we started she wished me luck and told me I would do fine, and not to worry.  She was super nice and I think it was just what I needed to be able to swallow the lump in my throat.  I got through it without making any huge mistakes.  When it was over, I remember feeling so relieved, with not a clue as to if it went well or not.  The director just thanked us for reading and went on to the next pair.  The results were being posted at the end of the next day.  I remember being so anxious, anticipating the end of the school day to be able to go and check the bulletin board.  When I got there, there was a bit of a crowd and I needed to wait a bit, but when I finally got to the list, I was surprised to see my name was there!  I had gotten a part, it was a small part, but I didn't care.  I had a total of about 15 lines in the play, I played Mrs. Allan, Rev. Allan's wife.  I was ecstatic to say the least.  That was the first of four plays that I acted in.  We also did Les Miserables, Dracula, and A Murderer Among Us.  I had a lead role in Dracula, I played Van Helsing thanks to the severe shortage of male actors, and quite a unique one in AMAU.  I don't think I'll ever live down "Fireflies!".  I did a whole scene by myself in that play.  It was quite a challenge, but I loved every minute.  And drama club wasn't just about the acting and the plays, it was also about the friendships that were formed.  We spent so much time together, we played a lot of cards, and helped get each other through homework, we enjoyed each others company and for those few years they were almost like my second family.    My friend and I had a tradition of starting the first rehearsal of the year by christening the stage with; "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish."  At the end of the year, we always had a party; Karters Korners, then swimming at the director's house.  He would make a gift for every actor, it was a plaque with one of our props from the play on it.  I still have all of mine.  And tons of pictures, way more than can be found on FB.  These are memories I will cherish always.  During DC hours, I never felt like an outcast or like the most unpopular girl in our class the way I did during the rest of the school day.  I belonged.  I can't thank the cast and crew enough for that.  And the directors.  Paul, Patty, and Bruna.  And as they say in show business; "The show must go on"; and "CUT!"

I was twigged

So I came across a discussion today on FB about what makes a good blog.  (It has actually gotten me over some writers block I've had for the last couple of weeks.)  Is it content?  Is it design?  How many readers follow that blog?  This got me to thinking ... What's in a blog?  And in particular, what's in my blog?  I never really intended for it to really go beyond me just logging my thoughts, my feelings, impressions of different situations.  I don't really write it with other people in mind.  I blog for myself.  Writing helps me to process the events of my life and lets me reflect on the different things that happen day to day.  My ability to verbalize what's in my brain is far inferior to my ability to express them in writing.  I've never been much of a talker, but when I write, I seem to express so much more of what I think and feel.  The path from my brain to my fingers seems to work far better than the path to my mouth, although I'm sure my parents would disagree...but I digress.  We'll save that for another blog. ;) 


I'm actually kind of surprised that other people are interested in reading my blog.  I only have 4 official followers (go BK girls!), but who knows really how many people have come across my blog and taken the time to read?  I am always very surprised and also pleased when someone says to me, "You know, I read your blog and blah blah blah..."  It's a way to incite conversation and allows you to get to the heart of the matter without having to give a lot of background information.  Let's have a yay for efficiency as well, although that's not really the point, but it is certainly relevant.  I think it allows us to have more meaningful discussions because everyone is already on the same page and ready to just discuss what they want to discuss.  And let's face it, in this day and age, we are all busy, many of us are absorbed in family life and want to spend as much time with our children as possible.  Our opportunities to socialize are far fewer so why not blog about our day to day stuff and then spend our social time talking about what really matters?  Or clarifying issues that we didn't quite understand, or debating the points we didn't agree on, or giving sympathy when someone chooses to blog about a sadness that they are experiencing?  I myself received so much support when I was blogging about the stress in my life when transitioning my son to a new daycare that I began to think, "Wow, there is really something to this." 


When I started this blog, I was doing it for myself, but now I realize that it's not only just for me.  It's for my peeps too.  I want to keep the people who are close to me inside my loop.  I have this tendency to draw back especially when I'm upset or stressed out, this has become the way I keep the door open and allow others in. 

Down time is good

After a hairy week last week, it's good to have some down time.  I can actually hear myself think.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed every minute of every different activity, but it didn't give me a lot of time to process/digest all of what I did. I think it's because I am an introvert.  Many years ago, in a different work life, we did personality testing of a couple of different kinds.  The first was the Myers-Brigs Type Indicator (MBTI).  My coding came out INFP.  Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving.  I won't go into the specifics of what that all means (google could take care of that for you), but the result, in my opinion was bang on the money.  As an introvert I get my energy by being alone and taking time to reflect on what's happened recently in my life.  I make decisions based on how I feel, and need to see things as a whole, not in it's pieces.  Another test that we did was called True Colours.  I am as BLUE as can be with a secondary colour of GREEN.  Essentially, this test confirmed the results of the MBTI.  I think with my heart, not with my head, I'm sensitive, as well as sensitive to others, I understand body language/non-verbal communication pretty well.  It doesn't mean I can't make decisions based on statistics or factual information, just that it's my preference not to.  Back then, I made my boyfriend (who is now my husband) do a version of the same test online and it gave me a lot of insight into him.  We had two areas the same, and two different.  I've never looked into the meaning behind it, but it seems to work well.  Probably because our style of communication is similar and our need to see the big picture.  I also understand why he sometimes drives me crazy.  He is solution oriented, while I like to understand the reasons why.  I would like to do it again someday just to see if anything changes.  I seriously doubt it, but it would be interesting to try it again. 

I am BLUE, what's your colour?? :)

A busy week!

This week has just been go go go.  Almost every evening has been full; we have family in town from out west and given that we don't get to see them often, we are trying to squeeze in as much time as possible. 

Monday night we spent at home, watching the movie Death at a Funeral.  Holy smokes we laughed a lot!  It was a great way to end the day.  Monday's are always tiring.  The rest of the week is when it gets busy!

On Tuesday night we had dinner together at my father-in-law';s my 3 yr old got to spend some good time playing with his little cousin, she is 2.  We brought with us his bike as well as the trike he used to ride so she could enjoy it while she's here.  They went for a ride together, he's is so into riding his bike.  It's one of his favourite activities.  She seemed to like it too although sometimes she would get off the trike to run after him.  It was faster for her, I guess.  The two of them are so cute together, he's almost a whole head taller, but it's surprising how similar they are in terms of looks.  You can certainly tell they are related!

Wednesday evening was spent with my parents.  They haven't seen their grandson for a while so we went over there to have dinner with them, play with all of his trains (that I'm very grateful are not in my house!  there are many, and they're kind of loud) and watch how easily he manipulates them.  "Nanny you want to go for a walk on the sidewalk?" He bats his little eyelashes and boom, gets them every time!  Three desserts later and a little while later, the little rascal would not go to sleep!!  Next time I'm leaving him with his grandparents.  That'll teach 'em!

Thursday was "Girls Night" with Tristan's family.  We had a fantastic dinner at La Dolce Vita on Preston St.  What an amazing meal.  I had the linguine with shrimp, smoked salmon, and a vodka cream sauce.  Super yummy!  They have a fantastic menu with many gluten-free options which was wonderful for my sister-in-law who is allergic.    After dinner we headed to the World Exchange to see, of course, a chick flick, Eat Pray Love. 

Friday night we spent shopping at Walmart, the place was a zoo.  Back to school shopping in full swing, entire families crowded in aisles, picking out backpacks, lunch boxes, and in general making a complete mess of the store.  There was crap everywhere!

Saturday is always a busy day, library, swimming lessons, and topped off with a corn roast!  We got to the library a few minutes before it opened, so we played hide-and-seek around the school that's attached as well as had races on the grass.  At the corn roast, my 3 yr old ran around, playing football, soccer, and climbing the play structure.  He handled the soccer ball like a pro!  I'll have to look for a soccer team for him to join!  He had so much fun with his cousin again.  It was great to see them playing together and with the other kids too! 

Sunday the fun continues with a kids party with Aunt Joan and then dinner with Tristan's family before they head back to Calgary. 

This week has been mega busy, but so very enjoyable.  We're trying to pack as much fun in before the summer ends.  Goodness knows that when winter comes and the temperatures drop, our time outdoors is limited.  Why can't summer last forever?




 

A huge relief

I am so pleased that my 3 yr old is enjoying his new daycare.  Today was his second day, and when I picked him up he was happy, and wanted to tell me about everything he had done that day.  They took a walk down to the shopping plaza, visited one of his favourite stores (the Dollartwentyfiveortwodollarama lol), baked cupcakes, and played with trains.  I couldn't ask for anything more than to see his happy face at the end of a crazy day.  I guess that it goes to show that all things being equal, things do work out for the best.  I'm super glad that I can tuck away my guilty feelings and feel glad that this new situation will work out.  Again, I guess it just goes back the anxiety that I've previously blogged about.  Changes seem to be way more difficult for me than they are for him. My strategies for coping are virtually non-existent.  My husband, as wonderful as he is, is too matter of fact to help me deal with it.  My girl friends are much better, but I know they have their own difficulties and I hate to bother people with my problems.  Sometimes I reach out, but more often than not, I keep it to myself.  It's something that I've never understood about myself.  In any case, all of that just to say that I'm thrilled that my son is happy.  That is what matters the most to me.  That he is happy, safe, and well looked after.  I'm very fortunate to have been able to find fantastic caregivers for him. 

Light at the end of the tunnel

This week has been a rough one.  Stress at work, stress at home, and the added challenge of finding new daycare for my son.  His caregiver has decided to go back to working outside the home at her previous job.  While I don't begrudge her her career, I can't help but feel betrayed, maybe that's too strong a word, let's go with disappointed.  Disappointed only because my son loves her and her children.  He is going to miss them and I know he will ask about them regularly.  I hope we can meet up for playdates or coffee at TH's so he can see his best friends.  On the bright side I was able to find a new daycare for him to go to.  She lives on our street, takes care of another little boy the same age as my son and seems like a very very nice lady.  I am looking forward to this new relationship especially since there are long term possibilities, ie. after school care since she is obviously on the bus route for the school he will attend. 

I also have some guilt feelings as this will be my son's 4th daycare in two years.  The first change was our decision, but the next two were not.  I hope he is not being damaged in any way.  I think he's pretty easygoing, he adjusts very easily and has only thrown not even a handful of real tantrums.  I hope he will adjust to this change with the same flexibility as he has always shown.  I just feel so badly that he's the one that has to deal with the change in his life.  I just want him to be happy.  I love my little bug. 

Thankfully this week is just about over.  I don't think I could take much more pressure.  My shoulder is even sore from being yanked around so much!!  I am looking forward to a weekend with not too many obligations.  I am planning to sleep in (I don't really know if 7:30 am is considered sleeping in, it is quite a bit later than the time I normally get up at), watch some tube, study a bit, pick up my library books, go to a star party...oh shit...this sounds busy already.  Maybe Sunday....no, Sunday I have to write my French mid-term.  F%^K.  Oh well.  Maybe next weekend. 

Faith: lost or hiding?

I was raised Catholic.  I went to Catholic schools, underwent all of the usual sacraments:  Baptism, Communion, Confirmation, that you have as a child.  Somewhere around the age of 17-18 things became very unclear for me as to why I was Catholic.  I completely "lost" my faith.  There was an event that triggered this, it was huge and changed my life. I could not talk to God anymore.  My heart was broken and I didn't know how to recover.  My husband is also not religious in any way.  He identifies himself as atheist.  He has a very technical brain and the idea of a higher power is ludicrous to him.  His beliefs are very science based, Big Bang Theory, Evolution and all that jazz which I also think makes a lot of sense.  When we got married, we had a civil ceremony, no church wedding or sacrament of marriage for me.  I am okay with that.  What matters is that we are committed to each other so deeply that we've made it official/legal however you want to call it.  Our son is not baptized (which I think bugs my parents) but I am comfortable to let him make his own choices when he is older.  If he decides to explore religion, I will support him and answer any questions he might have, or help him to find the answers if I don't know.  For all I know he may decide to be Jewish and I'm not that savvy when it comes to the Torah.  I guess what I'm saying is that I believe religion is very personal and a person should have the right to choose.  In terms of my own personal choice, I would have to say that at the moment, I'm not sure.  There are some things I can't reconcile, like the church protecting priests who abuse children.  The fact that there are religions far older than Catholicism for example Hinduism.  Perhaps they were meant to be metaphorical rather than historical.  I have been wondering if I should perhaps go to church.  Or speak to a priest.  Or just say screw it, it's my life and I can choose to believe whatever aspects of Catholicism that I want to believe in. Or none at all.  No matter what however, I know that I am a good person and lead an honest, productive life, and do work that makes a difference.  If God smites me for that, or denies me entrance at the pearly gates, well, so be it.

The magical moments

Last night my husband and I were settling down on the couch to watch our previously PVRed shows.  We have a small obsession with a certain chef's reality t.v. series.  Tuesday nights, that's what we watch fairly religiously.  As he sometimes does, my 3 yr old wandered down from his bedroom wanting to be with us.  Neither of us was feeling very strict about where he slept, we let him lie down on the couch with a blanket and pillow and a few minutes later he was asleep.  Meanwhile, we were absorbed in our show, fast fowarding through the commercials that we didn't look over at him for some time.  When we did, we saw he had his head buried under the blanket with his legs and bum out and up in the air.  I haven't laughed so hard in quite a while.  We did photograph the moment, I won't post it here or likely anywhere, but we will be saving it for future embarrassment opportunities.  This is the kind of photo that parents show their child's girlfriend/boyfriend.  May even be worth saving for the fiancee.  Again I was struck by just how much I love my son.  I never knew it was possible to love another person so totally and completely.  I was happy before, but it seems so insignificant to what I feel now that he is part of my life.  It is a love that is unconditional and will never ever die.  Even when I die, I hope that I will have loved him so well during my life that he will carry that love with him until the day he dies and even then, if fate is kind, he will have passed it on to his children.  Having said that, I have my own parents to thank; it would seem it began for me, with them. 

 

Rainy day rant

This afternoon I guess I am in the mood to bitch.  Dollarama needs to be renamed to the Dollartwentyfiveortwodollarama.  I know that's a mouthful but I don't really think you can call it a Dollarama when very few items actually cost a dollar.  I was there today with my son, we were looking for cereal storage containers, which we found, priced at $1.25.  We also purchased a very small child's book; $2, a puzzle; $2, an Elmo snack bowl; $2.  While these things were far less expensive from the other big name stores, it still kind of burns me that even at the dollar store, prices have doubled.  I really hate to pay twice the price for an item that is manufactured in CHINA for a fraction of the retail cost and on top of that, the HST (I won't get started because I may be typing all day on that subject!) 

I realize I sound like a scrooge, but in this day and age, we need to be more careful than ever with our hard earned money.  Prices of goods continue to soar, the cost of living as a whole is increasing, but salaries are most definitely not following the same trend.  In fact, employers are finding new and more creative ways to short sell their employees.  Instead of hiring full time/permanent employees, we are seeing more contract positions that don't offer benefits or retirement plans.  More and more we have to rely on ourselves to pinch our pennies and plan for our futures if we ever want to stop working.  I consider myself to be very lucky to have an employer who offers those benefits, but my other half does not, so there is still some responsibility to plan and save.  So little changes here and there to prices at the DOLLAR store do aggravate me. 

Over the last three years I have learned how to make my money stretch further.  Pleasure shopping for myself is now virtually nonexistent.  This week was my first visit to Reitmans since before Christmas (and at that time I was shopping for other people!) and I bought two items both of which had been marked down to less than 1/2 their original price.  I shop at consignment stores for my son's clothing, I have found excellent quality things that had barely been worn for 1/3 of what I would have paid for them brand new.  I watch the flyers for specials at the grocery store and try to make meals that stretch.  We both ditched our cell phones; we used them mostly to call each other so now we just make sure to call each other before we leave the office or house.  Emergencies just don't happen that often.  However, it is still in the back of my mind that we should perhaps have one.  Instead of buying books, my library card has gotten much more use out of it.  I'm just not real good with the due dates, but at least that money is going to something I really believe in and appreciate.  If I could get rid of my car, I would but at this point in my life, it's just not practical.  I have to pick up my son from daycare after work, taking the bus from work, to pick him up, and then home is not something I want to do.  Our time together is precious and sitting on a bus is not what I call quality time with my baby. 

Maybe someday we'll catch a break and win the lottery, but until then...I will hunt out the bargains!

So much fun!

As luck would have it, day one of my vacay was totally rained out.  Of course that would happen to me.  On the bright side, I did get to spend the entire day with my hubby and son.  We typically only have one day a week together so two in a row was extra special.  I also brought my car in for it's regular maintenance, now that it is freshly lubed and the brakes are in tip top shape, we are ready to head up to the trailer tomorrow.  My 3 yr old is so excited.  He can't wait to go with his "lashlight, and fishing rod!"

We just got back from 2 full days up at the trailer, we had such a great time.  My parents bought it about 20 years ago, so many of my summer memories involve McGowan Lake Campground.  Now I get to enjoy it with my son as well.  He gets to experience all of the things I did as a kid.  We enjoyed swimming in the lake, racing for the turtle, playing "risbee", taking trucks to the park to race in the sandbox, swinging "not too high" on the swings, kicking the soccer ball, fishing, and digging for toy clams.  My little man loved his first camp fire.  It was well worth letting him stay up late for it.  He was not a big fan of the marshmallows, but he completely enjoyed the graham cracker cookies with chocolate.  He slept like a champ all night and was raring to go in the morning, not wanting to let anyone else sleep.  Why would they sleep when he's awake anyway??  We decided to come home 1 day early because they were calling for rain all day Friday...it's seriously no fun in the rain.  So we packed up and headed home.  It was a quiet drive for me since the little guy fell asleep before we even hit the highway.  So I turned up some tunes and just enjoyed the time alone.  Soon enough we were home to see daddy.  He missed daddy, he looked for him in the morning, and wanted to bring things home for daddy.  I hit the sack early, fun in the water and sun always tires me out, and the sleep was awesome since I was back in my own bed.  Week one of Vacay 2010 is just about over, but there is still week two to look forward to!  We will play it by ear and plan things day to day depending on the weather.  

Two days to go!

Two more days until I am on holidays...aaaaah.  It will be a much needed break from what I consider to be a stressful job.  I have some loose plans to visit with family, see some friends, and hopefully head up to the cottage for a couple of days for some R&R, swimming, and general down time.  I am not going on a big trip, everyone at works asks:  Where will you be going on your holidays?  My answer is usually:  No where. 

I am a home body.  I like to stay close to home, I am not a big fan of hotels and traveling on airplanes, I would much rather put my feet up at home, or see the sights around Ottawa.  Some people kind of look at me a little bit sideways, not understanding why I wouldn't want to explore different countries, cultures etc.  The truth of the matter is, I am quite happy to stay home.   I have been on a few big trips, well 3 to be exact, in my adult life, we went to Disney World on our honeymoon, once to the Dominican with a friend, and went to a wedding in Calgary.  I've had the same feeling at the end of each of them, that, "Gee, I'm SOO glad to be home!!".  While I had an amazing time on each trip the feeling of coming home was the happiest I would feel.  I think the next big trip that I take, I would like it to be a road trip.  Likely not this summer, but hopefully next, I would like to head to the east coast, see the lighthouses, Anne of Green Gables house, and eat some yummy seafood.

I am a homebody.  And here's to summer vacation!  2 days to go!!

Did I do the right thing?

I am not too sure, but here is the story:

Yesterday I fell down the stairs to the basement. I haven't fallen down the stairs since God knows when. I was distracted, holding things in both hands, when I missed a step and took a tumble down the stairs. I landed on my feet, mostly on the left foot, and then, it collapsed. My 3 yr old was not far behind me (thankfully he didn't fall!) and I heard him shout out "Mommy! You falled down the stairs! You ok?" Even though I was almost in tears, I stuffed them back to let him know I was ok. This got me thinking about why I did not want to let him see me cry. I know that I definitely did not want to upset him, but perhaps I should have. I'm still not sure. I guess I thought that if he saw I was hurt it would send him into distress mode too. Another thing that has occurred to me is that maybe our children need to also see our humanity, our emotions. Things are not always alright; we as parents experience happiness as well as sadness, pride as well as regret, triumph as well as pain. How will our children learn that our failures teach us just as much as our successes if we don't let them see ours. Is it a mistake to hide behind a facade of happiness when we really want to let loose our negative emotions? (I'm not in any way referring to violence; I do not condone that in any way shape or form; just outward expressions of feelings.)

Quite a lot of thought provoked by falling down the stairs.

What's to worry about?

Everything!

I am a worrier.  I know that I am.  I can't help it.  It is completely out of my control.  The other evening after an enjoyable evening with the BK gang at SB, one friend decided to walk home.  It was going on 10 pm and it was dark and even though she didn't have far to go, I insisted she update her FB status so I would know she was home safe.  When I arrived home, very faithfully I opened up my laptop logged on and went directly to her FB page and was glad to see she had updated her status.  I sighed a sigh of relief then went to bed.  Similarly, if I drop someone off at their home, no matter what time of day, I always wait until they have walked in the door before I leave.  Is this anxiety?  Am I a control freak?  I really hope not, but I really have no idea.  I have always been this way.  I tell my husband to call me if he's not going straight home, so that I won't start to worry until later.  Otherwise, if he's off at 6:00 and not home by 6:45 I start to worry.  I wouldn't know what to do if I wasn't worrying.  I worry about my husband, my son, and virtually everyone who matters to me.  I worry about work, especially when I'm in the car on my way to work.  I make lists in my head about what I want to accomplish once I get there.  And if it doesn't go the way I had planned, I get extremely frustrated 

Oddly enough, I don't really worry about myself. I just figure, I'll be fine, I'll figure it out.  Except when I am late.  I can't stand being late because I worry that I'm keeping someone waiting, and that's not nice for them.  I know I hate to be the one left waiting and worrying that something might have happened to the other person. 

Am I wasting time by worrying about things that I have no control over?  I really don't know how to be any other way.  Therapy is expensive, so if anyone has any ideas, I am certainly open to them!

What I learned today

Today I was inspired. 

Two years ago a young man had a stroke.  Today he spoke to us about his experience since this traumatic event.  He was comatose at first and has spent the last two years in intense rehab.  He had the courage and strength to share with us his challenges, successes, and how his life has changed in both negative and positive ways.  He has not even graduated from high school yet and in some ways I think he is more wise than many adults.  His message to us was that it is not what you see on the outside that counts.  Everyone is different and has different challenges but we all matter and have purpose.

Today I was inspired.  To be careful about making assumptions or being judgmental towards anyone.  To think in terms of ability rather than disability.  I realized that no matter how difficult I think life is, for someone else, it might be far more challenging in ways I can't even imagine.

Today I was inspired by a young man who has learned more in 2 years that many don't learn in a lifetime.  I am a better person for having met him and heard his story.

Movie day

In my little family, Sunday is movie day. I can't say we do it every single Sunday, but more often than not, on a Sunday afternoon, we are vegged out in front of our fantastic tv with a snack, drink, and some new release rental from our local video store. (I will not give free advertising on my blog :))

Today that movie was The Book of Eli. I have never been grossed out by the very first scene in a movie. I have to say I was completely turned off and almost didn't continue to watch the movie. If you have seen it, and you've read my previous blogs, you'll know why!

The Book of Eli is a post-apocalyptic movie about a man who needs to get his book west. In the beginning you have little more information than that. This movie is centered around survival, and faith. It's a reminder about what in life is really important. The basic necessities to sustain life; shelter, food, water and meaningful relationships. Everything else is just extra, gravy so to speak. Eli lives in a world where money means nothing, but if you have something to trade that is in any way useful, that is as good as all the gold on the Earth. There is also a theme of how knowledge is power. He who possesses and can read the book can lead the people. And be careful of who you step on along the way, if at some point you need their help, they will likely tell you where to shove it.

As I said, I almost didn't watch the movie past the first scene. I can't say it was my favourite movie, but it certainly inspired thought and made me think about how grateful I am for the life that I have.

Insomnia

There isn't much to do at 2:39 am.  Occasionally I have insomnia; I have no trouble falling asleep at bedtime, but a few hours later I have a tendency to wake up and not be able to get back to sleep.  So frustrating for me who loves sleep.  Not even the cats are awake right now.  How sad is that?

So what to do at this ungodly hour...of course I start googling random thoughts/ideas to see what there is to read about.  Watching tv is not really a good option, I find it really hurts my eyes.  Sometimes I clean up the kitchen if we have left some dishes behind as we often do.  Mostly I think about how much time is left before I have to get up.  Why is it that we do that?  It just makes it that much harder to get back to sleep!  Yet I find myself hyper aware of the time and can tell you exactly how many hours/minutes there are before 7:00 am when I'm sure my 3 yr old will be awake saying, "Mommy I really really hungry!".   My techniques for getting back to sleep are usally to toss and turn for a bit, reluctantly get out of bed, poke around downstairs, check FB and such...usually takes me 1-2 hrs to settle back down to go to sleep. 

Well, that it's for now...4 hrs 3 mins before 7 am. 

What kind of person are you?

In an effort not to take myself too seriously; I would like to share with you all that I am a CAT PERSON!

Ever since I can remember my family had pets.  We had all kinds of pets.  Dogs, cats, fish, hamster, birds of different kinds, my sister always wanted a snake, but thankfully that never happened.  I loved the cats the most however.  I would never kick a dog or anything in fact I like them quite a bit, but my pet of choice is and always will be cats.  Hopefully someday we will get it down to one cat.  I currently have two, but we'll start at the beginning.

The first family cat I remember having was Coco.  (Not sure if the name was due to his colouring or because my mom's fave perfume was Chanel #5.)  He was a chocolate point siamese cat.  He was beautiful.  A little aloof, he seemed to like my mom the best, I remember him sitting in her lap when he was feeling cuddly.  One day, not sure how old I was, maybe 7 or so, Coco went out for his usual run and never came home.  We were so sad.  We assumed he had died.  However, a few years later, my dad was in the backyard and watched the humane society come and remove about 100 cats and 1 dog from one of the houses at the end of the street.  All of the cats were siamese.  We started to wonder if he ended up finding a new pride.  I could see him being the alpha male. 

The next cat we had only for a short time.  Her name was Taffy.  She was beautiful.  I am still traumatized to this day by how she passed away.  She was attacked by a dog and did not survive. 

When I was 9 we got another chocolate point siamese cat.  His name was Ming.  We lovingly called him Ming-a-ding-ding.  He slept with me on a regular basis and sometimes on my mother's head.  He had a wonderful habit of sitting on the newspaper as my father was trying to read it.  His meow was so loud and obnoxious you could not believe that a sound like that could come out of a cat that small.  He weighed about 7 or 8 lbs, not very big for a male cat.  He ran the neighbourhood.  He was a brawler.  Had a nick out of his ear to prove it.  Up at the cottage he used to chase frogs at night.  We kept him on a leash up there, but never tied it to anything.  As long as he thought he was tied up, he never went too far.  When he started getting older, he made friends with younger cats to do his brawling for him.  He was very intelligent our Ming.  At the ripe old age of 16, it was time to say goodbye.  He was blind and it was time.  Ming was like my fourth sibling, my second brother.  I still miss him and think of him often.   

Jodi I found in the backyard somewhere around the age of 10.  Someone had left this kitten on our picnic table and my parents didn't want to keep her, but I cried and they gave in.  When she started peeing in the plants my parents decided it was time she go to a new home.  As far as I know she went to a nice lady who had no plants...

Bandit was Tristan's cat.  We picked him out together shortly after we started dating.  He was our first fur child.  He was the cutest little tabby kitten, he had huge paws.  I told Tristan he would be a big cat, but he didn't believe me!  Of course, I was right.  We had issues with Bandit, but overall he was a good cat and a fantastic mother.  He raised the two girls we have now.  The most affectionate, loving of cats.  He would cuddle and let you pet him for as long as you liked.  He loved women but was a scaredy cat if men came to our house.  You would see this lump under our comforter.  He thought he was hiding, but he was far too big to blend.  We said goodbye to him a year ago this past February.  We both cried our eyes out.  Sometimes I still feel him sleeping on my feet. 

The two we have left are Tica and Storm.  Or Tica-boo and Stormie.  Like all sisters (although they were not from the same litter, Tica is a few years older) they have their disagreements.  It's a lot of show, hissing, chasing, growling, slapping paws.  It's not real fighting.  When you're not looking, they share their food quite nicely and take turns using the top shelf of the kitty condo.  Tica is the sweetest cat I have ever met.  She's delicate, dainty, and has the cutest pink nose.  Stormie is a little stout, has a dirty face, loves to rub your feet, and always steals my spot in the bed after I've left it.

I am a cat person.  I know this blog has been long, but I wanted to share all my special friends with you.  I love my cats, whether they are still with me or not, they will live forever in my heart.     

How life changes

As we move through life we need different people at different times.  For example; almost none of my high school friends are still present in my life.  I certainly was not popular and at times felt ostracized for different reasons but I had a few close friends that were important to me.  Over the years we have lost touch and so they remain in the past.  I have very fond memories but recognize that not all friends are forever.  

Some friends are forever.  Or, the friend that I didn't think was my "best" friend back then in high school, is the one that has stuck through the years.  We talk regularly on the phone, we have our famous "girls nights" and spa treatments, she was a bridesmaid in my wedding, and I know she loves my son in the same way my own siblings do.

Next we have the friends that I will refer to as "The mommies".  A small group that had babies within weeks of each other, one I knew a little longer than the other and our time together was filled with reveling in our pregnancies and then in our children when they were born.  Discussing our first time mommy issues, the aches and pains of pregnancy, nursing, difficulties with nursing, and celebrating the milestones of our babies.  I think of our kids as the "Three musketeers" and my 3 yr old calls them his best friends.  Things have changed a bit since we have all been back to work, but these girls are important to me and I make a concerted effort to keep them in my life.  


Another circle of friends has cropped up quite recently and quite unexpectedly. For years I had regular Saturday breakfast dates with my second oldest friend whom I met in university.  We used the opportunity to catch up with each other, check in on our lives, and experiment with new recipes.  Some worked out better than others :) One day she invited me to her book club where I met all of these fantastic women who I now consider to be my friends.  We meet once a week and I always look forward to the conversation.  Last week we closed down Shoppers, I didn't even notice the time going by.  Whether I realized it at the time or not, this group has become my therapy.  

I am grateful for all the friendships that I have had in my life.  The ones that have faded but are not forgotten, the ones that are forever and for the ones that I wasn't expecting but now that I have them, I wouldn't trade them for anything.   




    

It's all about choices

My son goes to daycare.  I never regretted making that decision.  I have a wonderful job that I love, and he, being the first child, gets to go out and socialize and make friends and learn how to be with other kids.  He has learned how to follow the lead of older kids, play beside the kids his own age, and how to be gentle with babies.  He would not have learned any of those things being home alone with me or dad.  I do not feel that I am missing his life, nor do I feel that he is being raised by his caregiver.  He is getting different things from different places and people.  My husband and I love him to death and spend good quality time with him in the evenings and on the weekends.  He knows we are his parents and that bond can never be broken if you nurture and respect it. 

I am NOT knocking the stay-at-home parent.  Let me make that clear.  I was raised by one, and certainly also see the value in that as well.  However, when we have our first child we are all confronted with the decision, do I go back to work?  Or do I stay home or does my partner say home with the children?  I always knew I would go back to work from the time I started my mat leave.  I spent 10 years working towards the job I have now even if it wasn't clear in the beginning where I was headed, I always knew that I wanted to do more. 

People said "You won't want to come back!  You'll see!"  I did want to go back.  It does not make me a bad person.  In fact, I went back early.  My husband wanted to take 3 months parental leave, and I was happy to let him to be able to spend a good amount of time with our son as a baby.  You don't get that time back, and it goes by so quickly.  Why shouldn't dad get to be home too?  It was also guilt free for me.  I knew he was safe at home with dad. What could be better? 

What is my point?  Well, I guess it's simply that we need to decide what is right for us.  We are all different and we all make different choices.  There is no one right answer.  If that were the case, life would be very easy and similarly, very boring.