Sunday, June 27, 2010

What's to worry about?


I am a worrier.  I know that I am.  I can't help it.  It is completely out of my control.  The other evening after an enjoyable evening with the BK gang at SB, one friend decided to walk home.  It was going on 10 pm and it was dark and even though she didn't have far to go, I insisted she update her FB status so I would know she was home safe.  When I arrived home, very faithfully I opened up my laptop logged on and went directly to her FB page and was glad to see she had updated her status.  I sighed a sigh of relief then went to bed.  Similarly, if I drop someone off at their home, no matter what time of day, I always wait until they have walked in the door before I leave.  Is this anxiety?  Am I a control freak?  I really hope not, but I really have no idea.  I have always been this way.  I tell my husband to call me if he's not going straight home, so that I won't start to worry until later.  Otherwise, if he's off at 6:00 and not home by 6:45 I start to worry.  I wouldn't know what to do if I wasn't worrying.  I worry about my husband, my son, and virtually everyone who matters to me.  I worry about work, especially when I'm in the car on my way to work.  I make lists in my head about what I want to accomplish once I get there.  And if it doesn't go the way I had planned, I get extremely frustrated 

Oddly enough, I don't really worry about myself. I just figure, I'll be fine, I'll figure it out.  Except when I am late.  I can't stand being late because I worry that I'm keeping someone waiting, and that's not nice for them.  I know I hate to be the one left waiting and worrying that something might have happened to the other person. 

Am I wasting time by worrying about things that I have no control over?  I really don't know how to be any other way.  Therapy is expensive, so if anyone has any ideas, I am certainly open to them!

Friday, June 25, 2010

What I learned today

Today I was inspired. 

Two years ago a young man had a stroke.  Today he spoke to us about his experience since this traumatic event.  He was comatose at first and has spent the last two years in intense rehab.  He had the courage and strength to share with us his challenges, successes, and how his life has changed in both negative and positive ways.  He has not even graduated from high school yet and in some ways I think he is more wise than many adults.  His message to us was that it is not what you see on the outside that counts.  Everyone is different and has different challenges but we all matter and have purpose.

Today I was inspired.  To be careful about making assumptions or being judgmental towards anyone.  To think in terms of ability rather than disability.  I realized that no matter how difficult I think life is, for someone else, it might be far more challenging in ways I can't even imagine.

Today I was inspired by a young man who has learned more in 2 years that many don't learn in a lifetime.  I am a better person for having met him and heard his story.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Movie day

In my little family, Sunday is movie day. I can't say we do it every single Sunday, but more often than not, on a Sunday afternoon, we are vegged out in front of our fantastic tv with a snack, drink, and some new release rental from our local video store. (I will not give free advertising on my blog :))

Today that movie was The Book of Eli. I have never been grossed out by the very first scene in a movie. I have to say I was completely turned off and almost didn't continue to watch the movie. If you have seen it, and you've read my previous blogs, you'll know why!

The Book of Eli is a post-apocalyptic movie about a man who needs to get his book west. In the beginning you have little more information than that. This movie is centered around survival, and faith. It's a reminder about what in life is really important. The basic necessities to sustain life; shelter, food, water and meaningful relationships. Everything else is just extra, gravy so to speak. Eli lives in a world where money means nothing, but if you have something to trade that is in any way useful, that is as good as all the gold on the Earth. There is also a theme of how knowledge is power. He who possesses and can read the book can lead the people. And be careful of who you step on along the way, if at some point you need their help, they will likely tell you where to shove it.

As I said, I almost didn't watch the movie past the first scene. I can't say it was my favourite movie, but it certainly inspired thought and made me think about how grateful I am for the life that I have.

Saturday, June 19, 2010


There isn't much to do at 2:39 am.  Occasionally I have insomnia; I have no trouble falling asleep at bedtime, but a few hours later I have a tendency to wake up and not be able to get back to sleep.  So frustrating for me who loves sleep.  Not even the cats are awake right now.  How sad is that?

So what to do at this ungodly hour...of course I start googling random thoughts/ideas to see what there is to read about.  Watching tv is not really a good option, I find it really hurts my eyes.  Sometimes I clean up the kitchen if we have left some dishes behind as we often do.  Mostly I think about how much time is left before I have to get up.  Why is it that we do that?  It just makes it that much harder to get back to sleep!  Yet I find myself hyper aware of the time and can tell you exactly how many hours/minutes there are before 7:00 am when I'm sure my 3 yr old will be awake saying, "Mommy I really really hungry!".   My techniques for getting back to sleep are usally to toss and turn for a bit, reluctantly get out of bed, poke around downstairs, check FB and such...usually takes me 1-2 hrs to settle back down to go to sleep. 

Well, that it's for now...4 hrs 3 mins before 7 am. 

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

What kind of person are you?

In an effort not to take myself too seriously; I would like to share with you all that I am a CAT PERSON!

Ever since I can remember my family had pets.  We had all kinds of pets.  Dogs, cats, fish, hamster, birds of different kinds, my sister always wanted a snake, but thankfully that never happened.  I loved the cats the most however.  I would never kick a dog or anything in fact I like them quite a bit, but my pet of choice is and always will be cats.  Hopefully someday we will get it down to one cat.  I currently have two, but we'll start at the beginning.

The first family cat I remember having was Coco.  (Not sure if the name was due to his colouring or because my mom's fave perfume was Chanel #5.)  He was a chocolate point siamese cat.  He was beautiful.  A little aloof, he seemed to like my mom the best, I remember him sitting in her lap when he was feeling cuddly.  One day, not sure how old I was, maybe 7 or so, Coco went out for his usual run and never came home.  We were so sad.  We assumed he had died.  However, a few years later, my dad was in the backyard and watched the humane society come and remove about 100 cats and 1 dog from one of the houses at the end of the street.  All of the cats were siamese.  We started to wonder if he ended up finding a new pride.  I could see him being the alpha male. 

The next cat we had only for a short time.  Her name was Taffy.  She was beautiful.  I am still traumatized to this day by how she passed away.  She was attacked by a dog and did not survive. 

When I was 9 we got another chocolate point siamese cat.  His name was Ming.  We lovingly called him Ming-a-ding-ding.  He slept with me on a regular basis and sometimes on my mother's head.  He had a wonderful habit of sitting on the newspaper as my father was trying to read it.  His meow was so loud and obnoxious you could not believe that a sound like that could come out of a cat that small.  He weighed about 7 or 8 lbs, not very big for a male cat.  He ran the neighbourhood.  He was a brawler.  Had a nick out of his ear to prove it.  Up at the cottage he used to chase frogs at night.  We kept him on a leash up there, but never tied it to anything.  As long as he thought he was tied up, he never went too far.  When he started getting older, he made friends with younger cats to do his brawling for him.  He was very intelligent our Ming.  At the ripe old age of 16, it was time to say goodbye.  He was blind and it was time.  Ming was like my fourth sibling, my second brother.  I still miss him and think of him often.   

Jodi I found in the backyard somewhere around the age of 10.  Someone had left this kitten on our picnic table and my parents didn't want to keep her, but I cried and they gave in.  When she started peeing in the plants my parents decided it was time she go to a new home.  As far as I know she went to a nice lady who had no plants...

Bandit was Tristan's cat.  We picked him out together shortly after we started dating.  He was our first fur child.  He was the cutest little tabby kitten, he had huge paws.  I told Tristan he would be a big cat, but he didn't believe me!  Of course, I was right.  We had issues with Bandit, but overall he was a good cat and a fantastic mother.  He raised the two girls we have now.  The most affectionate, loving of cats.  He would cuddle and let you pet him for as long as you liked.  He loved women but was a scaredy cat if men came to our house.  You would see this lump under our comforter.  He thought he was hiding, but he was far too big to blend.  We said goodbye to him a year ago this past February.  We both cried our eyes out.  Sometimes I still feel him sleeping on my feet. 

The two we have left are Tica and Storm.  Or Tica-boo and Stormie.  Like all sisters (although they were not from the same litter, Tica is a few years older) they have their disagreements.  It's a lot of show, hissing, chasing, growling, slapping paws.  It's not real fighting.  When you're not looking, they share their food quite nicely and take turns using the top shelf of the kitty condo.  Tica is the sweetest cat I have ever met.  She's delicate, dainty, and has the cutest pink nose.  Stormie is a little stout, has a dirty face, loves to rub your feet, and always steals my spot in the bed after I've left it.

I am a cat person.  I know this blog has been long, but I wanted to share all my special friends with you.  I love my cats, whether they are still with me or not, they will live forever in my heart.     

Saturday, June 12, 2010

How life changes

As we move through life we need different people at different times.  For example; almost none of my high school friends are still present in my life.  I certainly was not popular and at times felt ostracized for different reasons but I had a few close friends that were important to me.  Over the years we have lost touch and so they remain in the past.  I have very fond memories but recognize that not all friends are forever.  

Some friends are forever.  Or, the friend that I didn't think was my "best" friend back then in high school, is the one that has stuck through the years.  We talk regularly on the phone, we have our famous "girls nights" and spa treatments, she was a bridesmaid in my wedding, and I know she loves my son in the same way my own siblings do.

Next we have the friends that I will refer to as "The mommies".  A small group that had babies within weeks of each other, one I knew a little longer than the other and our time together was filled with reveling in our pregnancies and then in our children when they were born.  Discussing our first time mommy issues, the aches and pains of pregnancy, nursing, difficulties with nursing, and celebrating the milestones of our babies.  I think of our kids as the "Three musketeers" and my 3 yr old calls them his best friends.  Things have changed a bit since we have all been back to work, but these girls are important to me and I make a concerted effort to keep them in my life.  

Another circle of friends has cropped up quite recently and quite unexpectedly. For years I had regular Saturday breakfast dates with my second oldest friend whom I met in university.  We used the opportunity to catch up with each other, check in on our lives, and experiment with new recipes.  Some worked out better than others :) One day she invited me to her book club where I met all of these fantastic women who I now consider to be my friends.  We meet once a week and I always look forward to the conversation.  Last week we closed down Shoppers, I didn't even notice the time going by.  Whether I realized it at the time or not, this group has become my therapy.  

I am grateful for all the friendships that I have had in my life.  The ones that have faded but are not forgotten, the ones that are forever and for the ones that I wasn't expecting but now that I have them, I wouldn't trade them for anything.   


Friday, June 11, 2010

It's all about choices

My son goes to daycare.  I never regretted making that decision.  I have a wonderful job that I love, and he, being the first child, gets to go out and socialize and make friends and learn how to be with other kids.  He has learned how to follow the lead of older kids, play beside the kids his own age, and how to be gentle with babies.  He would not have learned any of those things being home alone with me or dad.  I do not feel that I am missing his life, nor do I feel that he is being raised by his caregiver.  He is getting different things from different places and people.  My husband and I love him to death and spend good quality time with him in the evenings and on the weekends.  He knows we are his parents and that bond can never be broken if you nurture and respect it. 

I am NOT knocking the stay-at-home parent.  Let me make that clear.  I was raised by one, and certainly also see the value in that as well.  However, when we have our first child we are all confronted with the decision, do I go back to work?  Or do I stay home or does my partner say home with the children?  I always knew I would go back to work from the time I started my mat leave.  I spent 10 years working towards the job I have now even if it wasn't clear in the beginning where I was headed, I always knew that I wanted to do more. 

People said "You won't want to come back!  You'll see!"  I did want to go back.  It does not make me a bad person.  In fact, I went back early.  My husband wanted to take 3 months parental leave, and I was happy to let him to be able to spend a good amount of time with our son as a baby.  You don't get that time back, and it goes by so quickly.  Why shouldn't dad get to be home too?  It was also guilt free for me.  I knew he was safe at home with dad. What could be better? 

What is my point?  Well, I guess it's simply that we need to decide what is right for us.  We are all different and we all make different choices.  There is no one right answer.  If that were the case, life would be very easy and similarly, very boring.