Sunday, September 19, 2010

First love

The first statement I need to make here is a disclaimer.  This post in no way means any offense to my DH.  I love him with my whole heart.

Do you remember your first love?  I do.  Now I'm not talking the guys you thought were cute, I'm talking about the guy you fell face first in love with.  The one who tied you up in giant knots of angst and made your knees shake if he even so much as looked in your direction, never mind actually speak to you! 

Okay, to set the scene a little:  Thirteen years old, grade eight, first day of school, I arrived in my homeroom already ecstatic because a couple of really nice girls were in my class.  We sat together and probably chatted, that memory is a little fuzzy, but then he walked in.  Big blue eyes, baseball hat, and a smile that could light up the night sky.   

Holy shit I knew I was in trouble.  I think I heard my heart go "splat" as it slammed into my chest.  Very outgoing girls would have just walked up to him and said "hi", but I was also very painfully shy and self conscious.  I, of course, told all my girlfriends how much I liked him, but would have never had the courage to tell him.  So what happened?  What happened with almost every guy I met in school; we became friends.  In fact, he dated several of my friends and I really couldn't blame them, I would have given anything to have been in their shoes though.  The heartbreak however, was exceedingly painful.  My tender teenage heart was bruised each time.  I'm not proud of this, but I actually called him to let him know that my friend didn't want to date him anymore, or, more accurately, to dump him for her.  I really didn't want to do it, but I succumbed to the pressure she put on me.  And then, after that, she wasn't my friend anymore.  I remember just feeling so used, but I don't think he held it against me because we were still friends, and that was important to me.  I was happy that we were friends; we talked on the phone, shared a few interests, attended all the same parties, I think we even danced together once or twice, and he truly was a very nice guy.  I had feelings for this boy for the better part of 4 years.

I won't say that I'm glad he never asked me out, because that just wouldn't be true.  I am glad however that I don't have any bitter memories of him.  Maybe if we had dated and broken up that wouldn't be the case.

Interestingly enough, years later when we met again, it dawned on me how similar he is in personality to my husband.  They are, of course, different people, but there are a few giant parallels that are very hard to miss.  I guess I was on the right track, just a case of wrong guy, wrong time.  I sure am glad I found the right guy though.  Makes all the years of teenage crushes and emotional roller coaster rides worth it.

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